TMI

YOU ARE A YOUNG OR EMERGING WRITER. YOU AREN'T YOUNG BUT YOU ALSO DON'T NOT FEEL YOUNG EITHER. YOU HAVE NEVER WRITTEN BEFORE. YOU HAVE BEEN WRITING ALONE FOR YEARS BECAUSE YOU NEVER WANTED TO GO INTO DEBT FOR YOUR ART AND YOU FIND THE WHOLE CULTURE OF ACADEMIA WEIRD AND ISOLATING. THIS IS YOUR FIRST CREATIVE WRITING COURSE. YOU HAVE TAKEN MANY CREATIVE WRITING COURSES BECAUSE YOU NEEDED THE STUDENT LIVING COSTS TO STAY ALIVE AND NOW YOU ARE WORKING FOR MINIMUM WAGE WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE MAKING A KILLING AS IT PROFESSIONALS IN LONDON. YOU WERE RECENTLY DUMPED BY SOMEONE WHO WAS MORE INTERESTED IN THE IMMERSIVE SOUNDSCAPES OF SIGUR ROS THEN THEY WERE IN YOUR FEELINGS AND YOU NEED SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF IT. YOU HAVE A DIFFICULT REALTIONSHIP WITH YOUR BODY THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INTO HERE. YOU ARE AFRAID OF LOOKING STUPID. YOU ARE AFRAID OF SOUNDING TOO EMOTIONAL. YOU THINK DELEUZE AND GUATTARI ARE PROBABLY AN UPMARKET FURNITURE BRAND BUT YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO LOOK INTO IT. YOU CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU ARE A GOOD LISTENER. EMOTIONAL HONESTY IS PART OF YOUR PRACTICE. YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU EVEN HAVE A PRACTICE. DOES THAT DRUNK PHONE MESSAGE YOU LEFT ON YOUR EX'S ANSWERPHONE COUNT AS CREATIVE NON-FICTION? DO PEOPLE STILL CHECK THEIR ANSWERPHONE? WHY DOES IT COST SO MUCH TO HEAR A RECORDING OF YOUR FATHER ALWAYS HANGING UP TEN SECONDS TOO LATE? WHAT PART OF 'LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE' DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND? YOU LIKE TALKING ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE AND SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE ASK YOU TO TALK LESS ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. THAT'S OK. THEY PROBABLY THINK GOOD WRITING IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A TENURED PROFESSOR FUCKS A TALENTED CO-ED AND THEN IT'S AUTUMN FOR 6OO PAGES. YOU WANT TO WRITE MORE BUT YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE LITERARY ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT LITERARY ENOUGH BUT YOU WRITE ANYWAY. YOU ALWAYS CRY AT THE END OF THE MOVIE. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET WEIRD ABOUT BUKOWSKI IN PUBLIC BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR THAT. YOU KNOW ME AND YOU FEEL WEIRD APPLYING BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME KNOW ME. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM BUT YOUR MUM'S FRIEND DIANA SAW THIS AND FORWARDED IT TO YOU BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE THIRTEEN YOU HAD TO READ ODE TO A NIGHTINGALE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL ASSEMBLY AND SHE CONFUSED THAT FOR AN INTEREST IN THE ARTS. YOU ARE WORRIED THIS LIST MEANS 'NOT YOU' WHEN IT ACTUALLY MEANS 'ESPECIALLY YOU.' MAYBE YOU LIKE EILEEN MYLES. MAYBE YOU LIKE HILTON ALS. MAYBE YOU'RE ALMOST THIRTY AND YOU STILL DRINK CASK WINE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE. WELCOME.